Friday, May 30, 2014

In the Waiting Place

You can't imagine how bizarre it is: to have five living children, and yet be hanging out in the "infertility wing" of the OBGYN office. 

It's completely surreal. 

And yet, since I've had three miscarriages in a row (yes, another one, in April, it sucked), that is the title that I suppose I've earned. 

Infertile? The girl who can get pregnant no problem but can't seem to stay that way. 

So, two weeks ago, that is exactly where I found myself. Telling the stories of my last year to a lovely stranger, who ordered all kinds of tests. 

As someone who's had four total miscarriages but five living children, I am to considered an out-lier. The questions abound, the explanations slim (so far everything has come back "normal"), and the real wonderment is, did I get unlucky four times or did I get lucky five times? 

I feel pretty helpless in all this. 

I'm constantly questioning my own feelings. Are we done, and I just missed the memo? Should I never have been able to have the ones I do have? Should I stop trying and just count my blessings? Are we going to be blessed with another baby? Ever? Am I pushing too hard? Am I wrong to want another when we're so blessed already? 

The nights are long when  I can't sleep and am left to contemplate my own freedom of choice verses biology, verses God's will, verses righteous desire, verses worry that something is really very wrong. 

It's tiresome. 

It's all day. 

Every day. 

I am coming to accept the very real possibility that Miriam is my last and final. I squeeze her tighter just for the thought. 

I am fighting the temptation to just say "forget it! I'm done." I don't want to make that decision based on fear. I don't want to make THAT decision at all. 

I did not want this. Good heavens, who would? But we don't get to choose our trials. We don't get to decide how we'll be tested, or when, or for how long. 

All of this is pretty out of my control. I'm doing what I can, eating healthy, exercising, trying to find answers. 

Ultimately though, it's just a waiting game. 

A painful one. 


9 comments:

S. Marie Carlson said...

I feel ya, We have been waiting 6 years for baby number two. At least one for sure little one is living with Father. Every day I question if Orion will have a sibling to play with before he is grown. We just have to keep the faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us. He also knows what these trials with strengthen us for. I am sure we will have the opportunity to raise them in the next life. **hugs**

Morgan Hagey said...

Oh Sara, I know your battle has been long. So long. I'm praying for you and Isaac.

david hagey said...

This is mom Hagey. I didn't know about your last miscarriage. Your pain and confusion melts my heart. It shows how deep and wide the your caring nature is for all life. We love you. The answer will come, in a way you would not have predicted. God is mindful of your sorrows. Please, for now, take gentle care of yourself. Forever hugs

cheekybabyboutique said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tjdkg said...

Oh I get it Morgan, I totally get it. It's one of those things I ask myself daily. Maybe we are done? Maybe Gracie is my last, I mean I'm not getting any younger, and Gracie's 6 1/2.
Trying to weigh the is it God's will vs a desire/want is always so hard for me. And my mind always goes to the worst, there is obviously something seriously wrong with me. And it doesn't help that most of the thinking goes on when you're tired it makes it worst. It just doesn't make sense

Morgan Hagey said...

Jauna, I know you know what this is like, unfortunately. I love you tons.

{B} said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this place! We tried for two years and then surprise! twins! When I think about it now, two years was nothing...it could have been much longer. I'm sure it's frustrating when you have children of your own and suddenly have to deal with this. I'll send prayers your way. :)

-Brie

{B} said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this place! We tried for two years and then surprise! twins! When I think about it now, two years was nothing...it could have been much longer. I'm sure it's frustrating when you have children of your own and suddenly have to deal with this. I'll send prayers your way. :)

-Brie

Morgan Hagey said...

Brie- I know, I'm only a year into this, I know that really isn't much. I've just been so so spoiled the last nine years, baby after baby. It's uncomfortable here in this place.

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